Calm
by TheConspiracyTheory
Summary: Yullen. There are three things that calm Kanda down. One, the smell of blood and the sensation of killing. Two, raging at a guilty or innocent soul. Three, training and meditation. But nothing, not a thing destroys his desire to kill.


**Calm**

There are 3 things that can calm me down.

One, the smell of blood and the sensation of killing.

Two, raging at a guilty or innocent soul.

Three, training and meditation.

The Order is what many call home, I call it a hellhole.

Missions after missions. But any mission that is given to me I complete, no matter the opponents.

The feel of killing, the katana slicing through metal, fibres, anything. It's relaxing, calming, but not enough.

Raging uncorks the bottle of anger buried in my heart, the insubstantial one.

Stupid rabbits yell the name I hate.

Annoying scientists don't do their jobs.

Excuses for robots destroy my peace.

Women can only cry.

Idiotic bean sprouts smile like the sun.

The only person I don't mind here is probably the cook, at least he can make a decent tempura soba, but I'm 100% sure that he's gay.

The only thing in my life is everything to ask for, hence far too much.

* * *

I fuck you, over and over again, you let me. I only do it to wipe that smile off your face, the idiotic smile, contagious to everyone but me. White hair fanned out under me, eyes lowered in submission, way too fuckable. But those eyes lowered in the submissive manner are blazing with the resolve that I'll never have. Pounding into you, the tears form in your eyes, but that pain slowly turns into ecstasy and you're yelling for more. I want to break you, shatter you like a porcelain doll.

In the end I'm probably just jealous.

Bathed in our afterglow, you merely lie there until I tell you to go. That's when you dress quickly and rush out, bidding me good day or night, depending on the time, with that stupid smile back in place.

I hate it, hate it, hate it. I HATE IT.

It annoys me, your stupid naivety, the desire to kill still doesn't leave me, it merely gets stronger.

* * *

The annoying scientist gives me a mission. I take it gladly. Killing, relishing the feeling of it all. It's almost a drug, but I'm still not free, not calm to think. I want to kill more, the desire I want to kill, it's a drug, blade through flesh. Everything around me is bathed in blood. Calm has over washed me for now, it won't last though, not for long. I need something to sate my desire of death.

I need something.

Anything

* * *

Back from another mission, you're not in your room. I growl in impatience, the calm is already slipping. Somehow I stumble into the Ark, it doesn't feel like an accident.

There's music, I can hear it, clear surrounding me from all directions. It's haunting, a melody in the minor key. But it's entrancing calling me to it, I follow my feet.

It's in plain sight as the door swings open, mismatched hands running across the black and white keyboard, the smile that's there, it's not the naïve one I hate, it almost a smile of an old war veteran watching another war start. Sorrowful, knowing, almost ethereal in the large white mirrored room.

I step in, you barely acknowledge my presence, but the haunting melody comes to an end.

"I missed you," you whisper, arms linking around my neck, drawing into a kiss.

The calm is all gone, desire takes over. Conveniently there's a couch mere metres away, if there wasn't one then it would have been fucking on the piano or floor.

Naked as the day you were born, your body quivers under mine, eyes the same every time we fuck, it annoys me. Thrusting, pounding, flesh slapping across flesh, those eyes, I want to wipe them off along with that smile.

You scream my name, it barely irks me now.

You come, it's almost natural now.

I come inside you, you shudder in pleasure, I barely care because the smile is still going to be there later and those eyes will still be filled with resolved. But my desire to kill is sated.

For now.

* * *

There's music again, the same melody as last time as I wander through the Ark. A door opens at my right and there you are playing on the white piano again.

"Hello," you greet.

I just walk over not uttering a sound and kissing you.

Every time is the same isn't it, just a pointless fuck, to relieve me from my desires.

You whisper my name after we're both spent and you say something that shocks me.

"I love you."

I don't react, I don't think I can.

"I love you."

No one loves me. It's stupid to try, I've pushed everyone away.

_But not him._

But not the boy before me.

Maybe just a little bit will be okay.

"I think I might like you."

* * *

Adrenaline rushing through me, death lingering the air, blood coated over, metal against metal. Battle, I relish it.

The rain falls I turn around and you're standing there with that stupid smile, smiling in triumph that the mission ended as a success.

I walk over, and those eyes they change, full of an emotion I'll never truly relinquish.

You wrap your arms around me.

And for once…

My desire to kill is gone.

* * *

There are 3 things that can calm me down.

One, the smell of blood and the sensation of killing.

Two, raging at a guilty or innocent soul.

Three, training and meditation.

But there is only one thing that can destroy my desire to kill and make me calm.

And that is you.

The you in my arms.

The you that proclaims love for me.

The you that smiles with that naïve smile I still hate.

But it's you that brings the calm and it relaxes me.

Maybe that emotion I never will know is lingering there, in the corner along with the cobwebs in my heart.

End

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